The Jerk in the Mirror

The Jerk in the Mirror

At some point I parked my body in a corner and walked away.  I didn't realize I was doing it, and I really don't remember when it happened. I just looked up and realized I'd walked away from it/her. Very little exercise, mindless eating, dressing with little enthusiasm... I wanted to punish her, it seems. She let me down by getting cancer and now I wanted to flip her off and leave her there. See how that feels! In many ways my body had become simply transportation for my brain. I lacked all interest in it. But, like I said, it wasn't deliberate. I didn't even realize until recently 1) that I'd given up on my body, or 2) that I was so damn pissed.

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Best Show in Town

Best Show in Town

It was almost dark and we really needed to get home, but on a sudden whim I turned the car toward the ocean. "Where are we going, mama?" she asked. "For a quick walk," I said. "A sunset walk." "Can I do cart wheels there?" "Probably not," I said. 

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It's June: I'm So Over Packing Lunch

It's June: I'm So Over Packing Lunch

My Facebook is filling up with graduation pics of other people's kids. It's not that I don't like my kid's school. Actually I love her school (and that she loves her school, too). It's the mad dash to get to school. Every single day. Morning's are r.o.u.g.h, man. None of us are wanting to be up and moving quickly at the time it requires us to get there on time (on time? Who am I kidding?). Dressed? Breakfasted? Lunched? It's the lunches that kill me the most, I think...

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"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!" A Letter to The Children of the Borderline Mom on Mother's Day

I know you blame yourself. You think that you've failed in your one job: being her child. You aren't smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, loyal enough. You somehow came between her and your father, or failed to protect her from your father. She put all her hopes and dreams on you and you let her down. Or, maybe she looks at you and sees every single black and tarry bit of herself she hates. Maybe you're a "slut" and a "whore." Maybe your body has begun to change with hormones. How dare you? You're a "liar." You're "dirty."

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What's Keeping Me Sane Right Now (Winter Favorites)

What's Keeping Me Sane Right Now (Winter Favorites)

I thought it might be fun to look around my life right now and find the good stuff. You know, the stuff that is life-saving between the every day rat race of work and homework assignments, trips to the grocery store, being on hold with the insurance company, scrolling through Instagram... Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, blink!, Monday... Wait! I want to enjoy my days! So here's a little list of the extras, the goodies that are saving my life right now. I'd love to know what's keeping you sane right now, too. 

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Starting All Over Again

I'm not entirely sure how to do this.

Here's the thing: I decided to start a new blog. Well, it isn't exactly a new blog. Sure, it's in a new place, but it is still the I [Heart] My Life blog that I've had for some time (10+ years!). But, it also isn't the same blog, so, I don't know. Do I just hop straight into a new blog post and pretend that nothing's changed? Do I explain?

Maybe I'll do a little of both.

Here's the explanation: I haven't been blogging for some time, which is because 1) for the past 18 months I've been grieving my father's death and managing his estate and sometimes survival isn't reflective, it's simply one-foot-in-front-of-the-other. 2) The rare times I have been feeling reflective I've been working on a memoir but wasn't sure how to do that and keep blogging (grieving makes multi-tasking hard). And 3): for that past six months I've been working on a digital magazine for young women survivors of breast cancer, which just launched last Saturday (yea! and wow! and holy cow!).

So all that was going on, but for the last few months I've felt a little tingle at the back of my mind and I've come to realize I miss the kind of writing that I used to do on my blog before all the grieving. I've missed the conversations I had with you over posts on the blog. Conversations about scones and salads, parenting in a conscious way, book and movies, road trips and adventures...

So I got excited and I went over to my old blog but when I got there it felt... cob-weby and dated. And it turns out I've outgrown that particular blog. First it was a wedding blog, then it was our new baby blog, then it was my cancer blog, and my care-giving blog. I loved it the most when it was more of a parenting / stuff-I'm-into blog. That's what I've been wanting an outlet for again now. You know, the stuff that makes life awesome and worth living. And so, without (more) ado, I'll launch back into blogging that way and maybe we can just pretend the conversation never lagged. I hope you'll come along. 

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